Mystical Prize Show!
by TheCorinne
Summary: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Snape and Dumbledore are forced into a crazy gameshow with an even crazier host! This is the Mystical Prize Show, where there are no rules and everything counts.


This is a one-shot. I'm bored and RATHER HYPER. AND I THOUGHT ABOUT SOMETHING FUNNY SO I'M BASING ABOUT 2,000 WORDS ON IT. YAY.

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Host: Hello everyone and welcome to the MYSTICAL PRIZE SHOW! Yup, that's right, that's the title of the entire show! And who else is your lovely host besides ME!? The wonderful Corinne, the author who will now OWN ALL YOUR SOULS!

(Disclaimer: The wonderful Corinne does not own anyone's soul but her own and her old cat Blondie's).

Corinne: Right, now it's time to bring out our contestants, whom I have captured for the soul purpose of my entertainment. Let's welcome: Harry, Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore, and Snape!

(Audience applauds wildly)

(5 nervous-looking people enter, shoved in by a light-saber wielding bodyguard).

Corinne: Hello, everyone! Are you ready for today's MYSTICAL PRIZES?!

Ron: Where are we? WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS!?! (points to video cameras)

Harry: They're trying to take our souls! No!!!

Hermione: Oh dear… I get so nervous when so many people are watching me!

Dumbledore: Hi Mom and Dad! (waves to camera)

Snape: Your parents are dead, old fool. Wait, so are you! I killed you!… Dammit Voldemort is going to be PISSED if he sees this…

Hermione: Why would he see this? It's a muggle game show.

Snape: IF IT'S FOR MUGGLES, HOW COME THEY COULD RAISE HIM FROM THE DEAD!? (points to Dumbledore) HMM!?

Ron: OH MY GOD HE'S A ZOMBIE!!!

Harry: FIRST THEY WANT MY SOUL NOW THEY WANT MY BRAINS!! MY PRECIOUS, JUICY BRAINS!!!

Corinne: SHUT UP HARRY NOBODY LIKES YOU.

Harry: I know… (slit slit) (sob) WHY DOES MY LIFE TAKE SUCH TWISTS AND TURNS!? WHY MUST I BE TORTURED SO EMOTIONALLY!! IF THERE IS A HEAVENLY BEING UP THERE, PLEASE PUT ME OUT OF THIS AGONIZING MISERY! Oh no… I don't deserve death! DEATH IS TOO GOOD FOR ME! I MUST LIVE IN PERPETUATING SORROW! (jumps off of the stage)

Fangirls: OMIGOSH!!! My only chance of ever losing my virginity!!! Get him!!

Corinne: Pierre, get Harry and put him in a straight jacket. Kwaku, please strip to appease the fangirls.

(5 minutes later…)

Corinne: WONDERFUL. Now can we please commence with our activities? Good. Okay, so Harry, since you're first, you get the first task. We, before the show, planted a dark object on Snape. You have to find it and get it off of him. The prize is that one of your parents will be brought back to life, but you have to choose which one.

Harry: CHOOSE!? I can't choose! And how can I get the thing off of Snape?! I'm in a friggin straight jacket!!!

Corinne: (evil smile) Use your teeth.

Fangirls: (simultaneous swoon and faint)

Hermione: That's disgusting…

Ron: SO'S YOUR MOM!

Hermione: What?

Ron: IT'S THE CAMERAS THEY'RE MAKING ME SAY THINGS I DON'T MEAN TO!

Hermione: (starts crying) Ronald… I thought we had something special! Oh my frail little heart is breaking! (pounds head on her podium containing her buzzer).

Corinne: WHO RANG THEIR BUZZER!?

Hermione: I… did… (sniffle) Why?

Corinne: Oh right… I forgot about this rule. If anyone buzzes in faster than the other person can do their task or answer their question or whatever, the person that rang the buzzer can answer. So what's your answer?

Hermione: Answer to what?

Corinne: THE QUESTION. Jesus…

Hermione: You never asked a question! You gave Harry a task!

Corinne: WRONG ANSWER. So what are the scores? Let's see… Harry has -100 because he hasn't even attempted his task yet, Hermione's got -50 for answering the question wrong… Ron has 5 cause he said zombie earlier, and Snape and Dumbledore both have 0.

Harry: -100!?!? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! (rolls over in his straight jacket to Snape, then wildly rips off all of his clothes using his teeth). He's got a grenade! Strapped to his ankle!

Fangirls: That's so sexy! (Simultaneously orgasm and die)

Harry: (rolls back to his podium with the grenade in his mouth). I'm _keeping_ this, dammit…

(Snape is now standing at his podium completely naked)

Dumbledore: Snape, was your daddy a baker? Cause you got nice bun—

Snape: PLEASE don't finish that sentence! Can I have some clothes or something?! I'm stark naked and this pervy old man is checking me out!

Ron: Stop whining, bitch!

Corinne: Good job Harry, you completed your task! Which parent would you like to bring back?

Harry: Why do you make me choose?! Can't I save my reward until I get another one so I can bring them both back at once?

Corinne: Excuse me, are you BACKTALKING me? I think you're backtalking me! Do YOU have a little nametag that says "Corinne – Almighty Soul-Eating Host" on it?! I don't see one! No! Wow, don't even try anymore. No way. You're done. NEXT QUESTION. Hermione. For this, you will get a library of over 10,000 books added on to your house. You must give Ron a lapdance.

Hermione: I… er… um… what's a lapdance…? (blushes)

Ron: You DON'T know?

Harry: Wow Hermione, even I knew that one! And I'm still a prude!

Snape: Ooh, it seems there's a realm she hasn't studied…

Dumbledore: Hermione… I'm very disappointed in you! Something as simple as a lap dance… I would have never expected that our most promising witch wouldn't know!

Hermione: Just shut up all of you! (blushes furiously) I… I just forgot! T-that's all! I mean, of _course_ I know what it is! I know everything! Just… um… remind me? (ashamed of not knowing)

Corinne: Eh… no… um, I have a better task. Wow. She doesn't even know what a lap dance is… jesus… Okay, go make out with every guy in the audience!

Hermione: (walks down the stairs and in to the audience, ready to prove her whoreness) (looks around) Um… I don't think there are any guys…

Corinne: Oh right, I forgot, our only viewers are 13-year-old girls in tight shirts who are trying to show off their chests but they're all flat as boards so they put out to make themselves feel loved, since their parents don't.

Ron: Those kinds of girls watch _game shows_?

Corinne: Well… _**this**_ game show… we're rather unorthodox.

Harry: Really? Never woulda guessed.

Corinne: Is that more backtalk!? LET'S LOOK AT THE SCORES SHALL WE?! Harry's got -312, Hermione has -172, Ron has 5 still, Snape has 0, and Dumbledore has 40 for that sweet pickup line earlier.

Dumbledore: Ooooh yeah... (beard flip)

Corinne: Next Question! Ro—

Hermione: Wait! I never got to do my task!

Corinne: Who's fault is that!? Ron, this is for a life-time supply of mashed potatoes. What is the name of the constable in the game Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town?

Ron: WHAT?!

Dumbledore: (slams down his buzzer)

Corinne: Dumbledore! What's your answer!?

Dumbledore: Harris!

Corinne: CORRECT! Congratulations! You win a life-time supply of mashed potatoes! Tell us, how _did_ you know that answer?

Dumbledore: I play, of course. However I play the More Friends of Mineral Town version so I can marry Cliff. He's my type of man. I've always loved the bad boys….

Corinne: Very nice! Next contestant! Ah… yes… Snape. Hmm…. Okay, for the potion book written by Merlin himself which has been lost for centuries and recently uncovered, give a speech about how great I am.

Snape: Uh… uhm… Corinne you are very… nice. Yes. That's good. And… generous! You are generous! You have… um… a good game show… and… your hair… smells… like flowers? You are the smartest person ever… and I… um… want your digits… girl. (sees my disapproving frown) Uh… uhh….! Baby girl, you hot like a thermos!

Corinne: ACCEPTABLE. Good job. Now we have one more person before we end this round! Dumbledore… for 400 pairs of socks hand-knit by gnomes in Alaska, you have to drink 5 bottles of vodka by the end of this game. Bring them out!

(5 bottles of vodka appear on Dumbledore's podium)

Dumbledore: (opens one of them and takes a huge gulp, then hiccups) Oh my!

Corinne: Wonderful! Now, TIME FOR AN END-OF-THE-ROUND PARTY! Oh but first, I would like you all to meet someone very special.

Hermione: (whispers to Ron) This is the part where they bring out some starving African child and ask you to call in pledges….

Corinne: This is my friend's cat, Bella.

(Bella, a small calico cat, walks in and starts meowing loudly)

Corinne: Yeah… I don't recommend petting her… cause she's in heat and she'll try to get you to stick it in…

(Bella rubs up against everyone, sticking her rear end into the air while meowing)

Dumbledore: (extremely drunk) C'mere… little kitty cat… papa'll make it all betterr…. (Dumbledore leaves the set with the cat in his arms)

Corinne: Wow that was absolutely disgusting! I would love to stick around but… we're missing our best contestant, one of you is naked, and the rest of you are minors so I can't do anything without seriously overstepping the law, although that's never really stopped me before, THAT'S IT FOR TODAY'S MYSTICAL PRIZE SHOW! Tune in next week, when we have a tournament between Mary-Sues, and we find out about Bella's unwanted pregnancy!


End file.
